Trying to Forget the Crushing Defeats since 2009

Little Note: I’m publishing a little feature on Thursday as a follow-up to an article I wrote for “little victories” back in May 2009. Here’s the reprint.

There’s an axiom that says “Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely”. And it’s been used for a long time in a number of different ways: we use it to describe the feeling of being able to annihilate nations at the touch of a button, the greedy power of running a huge company, or even the power-crazed mannerisms of 9-year-olds when they’re left at home for a few minutes in charge of their younger siblings.

Germany knows a thing or two about absolute power corrupting absolutely.

Now, wait a minute. Before you close this page, telling me you’re angry that I would say such inflammatory things, this isn’t THAT kind of blog. I’m actually talking about the Volkswagen Jetta.

I remember the first time I experienced the Volkswagen Jetta- I was 10. My father, who had just taken delivery of his ‘99 Jetta, took it out for a spin with me in the back. Coming up to an intersection with a clogged left lane, my father tapped the gas and flicked the wheel to the right.

In a second, the car surged forward, jumped to the right, and zoomed through the green light like it was nothing. Zippy, the black ‘99 Jetta, was born. Naturally, being a Volkswagen from the late 90’s, Zippy had a fair share of problems, most notably the part where the engine seized with less than 50,000 miles on it. But it was always fun, even before I could drive, to ride in the little black zoomy thing.

We sold the Jetta in 2002 and bought a Mercury Sable (a car that made up for being catastrophically uncool by being stupidly reliable), and my mother won’t buy Volkswagens ever again, but the VW “bug” still bites me today.

It was my grandmother, actually, who got me going again, when in 2005 she leased a Jetta. Naturally, the same VW sense of one-uppance ran through the car: most small cars have four speeds, but this one had six. Most small cars have four cylinders, but this one has five. Most small cars are built to be very light. This one is built like a tank. It’s all very…German.

And the thing went like stink.

For those of you who don’t know what “torque” is, it’s basically this: when you push the gas pedal in your car and your back is smushed into the seatback, you’re experiencing torque. Well, the Jetta had lots and lots of it. I drove it back to Pennsylvania once and the car was brilliant- it just loved to go everywhere fast. It blasted through Connecticut (the worst driving state on the east coast), the twisty-roaded National Park I accidentally detoured through, and the curvy roads around my house. By the time I returned to MA I had suffered more than my fair share of dirty looks in my hometown for speeding.

So when my grandmother decided to lease a new Jetta (in the same color, mind you), I was elated- when VW fixes things, they fix them very well, and VW had had three years to make the compact sedan better. So when I had the chance to take it for a spin down the Mass Pike and into Logan Airport, I was excited. I strapped in, pulled out onto the street, and pushed the pedal.

And nothing happened.

Remember that “torque” thing I talked about earlier? The old Jetta had so much when you accelerated from a stop that once, while on a liquor run with my father, I managed to get some serious wheelspin. The thing used to thunder forward and now… nothing. It just takes ages to get moving. Drive like you know what you’re doing (using the “manual” mode and starting not in first but in second), and it’s even slower.

So what gives, you ask? A German car company just committed regime change, that’s what.

In the old car, anyone could drive like they were competing at Le Mans, and it was simple: push the pedal a little bit, look at the speedo, and bam- you’re driving through a town at twice the speed limit.

Now, it’s still got enough power to get you from point A to point B quickly, but its lack of low-end grunt means you sound like a boy racer when you do gas it. You’ll find yourself, then, looking at the speedo and realizing that no, in fact, you’re not speeding much at all. VW just turned an unintentional sports car into a glorified grocery getter. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and Volkswagen just kicked corruption out.

And a German car company just subtly told someone to slow down. A GERMAN car company.

EDIT (May 5): I checked with Edmunds, and the 2009 Volkswagen Jetta is actually faster than the 2006 version, by 20 horsepower and somewhere near a second in the 0-60 time. But with 7 fewer torques (available 1,000 revs later), it explains the lack of muscle-y feel. Nerd moment… over.