Trying to Forget the Crushing Defeats since 2009

Remember the 18th century? Americans running around, busting caps in Redcoat asses, throwing tea into Boston Harbor to protest taxes, and generally being an ingrown toenail to the manicured foot that was Colonial Britain?

That was AWESOME.

Listen, though: we’ve lost our edge. Look at America today: once the the rum-swilling, tar-and-feathering capital of the world, we’ve gone all…soft. Sure, our airwaves are filled with morons calling political candidates zoophiles, but we’ve come a long way from inciting bloody riots (well, kind of a long way). The last time physical fighting broke out on the Senate floor was 153 years ago, and aside from that whole “people who like the public option are GOING TO HELL” contingent, it’s pretty benign.

At the risk of agreeing with Rush Limbaugh, everything’s too politically correct in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. And (thanks, Rush, for this one): it’s HURTING AMERICA.

But the difference between Rush and I (aside from the fact that I hate OxyCodone) is that we share the same belief for two completely different reasons. Rush, ostensibly, thinks that we should all return to the 1950’s, when we all lived like “Leave it to Beaver” in unabashed prosperity (which made up for the fact that we regularly used words like “dirty wop”). I, on the other hand, think that political correctness is hurting America because–are you ready for this?–it’s being used to hurt the Gays.

Buckle up, readers: it’s about to get wonky in here.

The year is 2004, the place is the Supreme Court. The case was Elk Grove vs. Newdow, better known as “the case that decided whether or not the Pledge of Allegiance should say ‘under God’ or not.” An atheist father is fed up with the fact that the Pledge of Allegiance contains the phrase “under God” and says it infringes on his daughter’s right to be an atheist, so he takes his case to court.

Now, the case was actually decided on a technicality and the constitutionality was never considered, but that doesn’t matter. Well, not as much as the case’s precedent.

The case’s underlying raison d’être is as follows: I have the right to free speech, and the government has the right to create institutions like the Pledge of Allegiance, but my right to dissent these institutions means I can fight to kill them. The fact that the Pledge of Allegiance exists infringes on my right to dissent it, so it needs to go.

And then things start sliding downhill.

It’s now 2008, and a bunch of conservative Christians get a question on the ballot to kill same-sex marriage in California, and the push to outlaw gay marriage in the late Harvey Milk’s home state has proved to be an uphill battle.

Up steps a dark-haired woman named Maggie Gallagher, chairwoman of the National Organization for Marriage, who has an idea: we’re not going to make Proposition 8 about Gays, we’re going to make it about…straight people.

Cue the ads, banners, and rallies: “Gay people aren’t happy with just being gay in private, or loving each other behind closed doors and with little pieces of commitment paper, they want to get married. And I don’t want them to get married. Them getting married infringes on my right to dissent their marriage. And if gay marriage is codified and I can’t dissent them, that infringes on my first amendment rights.” The “gathering storm” television ad hits YouTube, Californians vote, and gay marriage is finito.

On Tuesday Maine recalled its legislature’s decision to allow same-sex couples to marry, in a defeat that has already been called “the next big loss” for LGBT people in America. Blame has already been pointed for the loss, and the catchphrases have already flown. David Mixner yesterday even called Question 1’s passage “gay apartheid.” (I’ve seen apartheid, sweetie. First hand. On the ground. This is not apartheid.)

But what everyone’s missing (if the past 650 words is actually correct) is that we are sleeping in the bed we made. The tables have been turned, and the system that gave us Hate Crimes legislation and pushed our teachers to stop High Schoolers from using the word “faggot” has been commandeered by people who think that right to dissent same-sex marriage and sabotage it are the same thing.

So how do we fix it? Well, that’s easy—small government. The system that gave us free-market economics and laissez faire can be bastardized the same way. Tell the government—in no uncertain terms—to get out of marriage, and out of our bedrooms. And then, um, get married.

See, Maggie? Not everyone thinks you’re dumb. Just remember: two can play this game.