Trying to Forget the Crushing Defeats since 2009

Let’s talk crime at Boston University: it’s not usually a problem, but for a bunch of kids from the suburbs, our student body (myself included) can get a little jittery when something bad does happen.

So I will admit that I was a little bit jittery last night: after coming home from a night of playing Catch Phrase with friends, I’m getting ready to go to bed when I hear lots and lots of sirens in Kenmore Square, and check the Boston Police twitter (yes, they have one- it’s weirdly entertaining, too), to find that Kenmore was the victim last night of a violent crime. As it turns out, someone last night on the 500 block of Commonwealth Ave, was stabbed…IN THE FACE.

Quick aside: The little victories sends our/my sympathies to the victim and his/her family, and wish him/her a speedy recovery. The following satire isn’t pointed at you.

Now, aside from the cruel irony that everyone keeps inflicting violence on each others faces (a robbery last year in which a woman was punched squarely in the face was why I tried to purchase mace), there’s very little to laugh about when someone gets stabbed. That is, not until a friend of mine (Almond, thanks for the tip) suggested that this stabbing was an act of gang violence.

But it got me thinking: could BU actually be the new gang frontier?

The short answer: yes. I mean, it’s not a far slide from “Money, Cash, Hoes” to “Sex, Money, Greed”, and the differences between FUBU and The North Face aren’t so much anymore. So, in the spirit of keeping it “hood,” I went down to my local bodega (actually, I went to Olecito, one of BU’s fake-mexican burrito places), grabbed some grub, and went home listening to some gangsta rap (Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick,” actually, but I followed it up with some Jay-Z), thinking about what thug life would mean for the students of BU’s Charles River Campus.

And then it hit me: awesome gang names! I mean, I’m not really into selling drugs, icing bitches, stealing cars (although that was all I ever did when I played Grand Theft Auto for PS2 at friends houses), and trying to pay off crooked cops–who is?–but I love the idea of having an awesome name, preferably one spelled incorrectly. In the spirit of David Letterman’s “Top Ten” lists, then, my ten best BU gang names follows:

- DIRRTY WATER HOEZ. Because BU kids love that dirty water.

- BU FOOTBALLERZ. This gang probably wouldn’t last long, for one very good reason.

- RHETT’S BITCHEZ. Because nothing says “I’ve got your back” like seeing a 7-foot-tall terrier mascot with a permanent case of rabies.

- CRAYONZ GLU SZIZZORZ. Kids who pay 53,000 bucks a year for community college, unite! And fight! For your right! TO PARTAY!

- RITCH KIDZ. International Students not here on full scholarship, who live in Brookline and drive Maseratis, band together.

- BEE LYNE 4 LYFE. Because nothing says “I’m really gangster” like taking the Mass Bay Transportation Authority to a rumble.

- SEE EFF AYYYYYYY. Those College of Fine Arts kids will CRUMP BATTLE YOU SO HARD…

- FITTY SE7EN. I’m pretty sure more people die at BU every year from getting hit by Boston’s best/most ridiculous bus route than gang violence.

- COMMIEZ. The BU College of Communication’s address is 640 Commonwealth Avenue, which means we’re the only school with the phrase “six-four” in our address. That’s hot. And besides, who do you expect to run your gang’s Public Relations department?

And, finally:

- KENMORE SQUARE QUEENS. Come on, people: this school is HELLA GAY. You knew this one was coming.